The Panic of the Pedic

For the last few years I have been sleeping on a futon. It was only going to be a temporary fix. When I last moved I didn't take the mattress/box springs. The futon had been the guest bed and I thought it would suffice as my sofa/bed in my studio apartment. For a while this was true. It was well made and had not been used all that much. However, after about three years of use there were signs of a diminishing support system. The mattress was flattening. A slat broke unexpectedly and I had to duct tape it back into place. Still, if I lay on one side, it was acceptable.

Then I met Raphael.....

It was becoming increasingly clear that the bed was showing stress with two people on it. The duct taped slat was on his side of the bed. It needed more support. Books, magazines and anything else short of a flying buttress were installed from the floor up. It worked OK but stacked items shift. One good roll over in the night and a crash of Entertainment Weeklies, self help books and former Geico bills would go sliding like a Malibu mudslide.

One night, a second slat suddenly snapped and Raphael found himself in a sort of hammock position. I got up and made him lemonade and brought him a bowl of mixed nuts. I thought "We'll just make it a summer afternoon type affair." I will turn on the fan to simulate a breeze. My sleep machine had forest bird songs and it was warm enough to pretend we were on the veranda of a plantation. It didn't work so well. He turned the other direction with his feet in my face and said "You have to get a new bed. I will pay half."

The next day we went to the futon store and found that I could still get replacement slats. It would take a few weeks. In the meantime, we stayed at Raphael's place as much as possible and I looked for loose items I could stack under the bed. It was beginning to look like the nest of a periodical reading squirrel.

It turned out the slats were no longer made and the futon store owner had to cut some for me. I picked them up and they looked just like the originals. He said they would snap into place. His assessment was incorrect. They would snap into place if you were Mike Tyson pushing down on them. Neither Raphael or I could get them in. One side would fit and the other end would be like an unbendable cricket bat as hard as an interstate highway. We finally decided to 'rest' one end on the frame and slip the other side into the agreeable slat. Again the duct tape came out and new books were placed underneath (this time I did a series of Life/Time books on animals and their worldwide habitats.) For a time this rickety excuse for a fix seemed to work. The bed was solid. We got a foam pad and placed it over the mattress and the comfort level went up about 50%. Then one night we were having an intimate experience and the duct tape worked its way off the slats and book # 6 (The Animals of Southeast Asia) slipped and it sounded like World Trade Center 4 imploding. There was no speaking. He just gently pushed me over to the edge and then lay pressed against me the opposite way. Again, his feet were in my face.

We made the decision to move in together. First rule of order: Get a NEW bed and make payments on a really, really, nice one. We chose a Tempur-Pedic. It seemed like the logical choice. Raphael's roommate had one and loved his. The 'Pedic' bed just seemed like the gold standard. We ordered one and it would be shipped and assembled on the very first day of our move-in. We also had a great payment plan. The futon would somehow be jerry-rigged and used as a guest bed. The treasured sleep experience would at last be just days away.

A few nights ago I received an email from a very dear friend. I had mentioned to her in a former email that I was soon to be the proud owner of a Tempur-Pedic. About half way through the letter she casually says "I don't know if you have signed on the dotted line for the new bed but......." She then went on to list the 'cons' of said bed: Release of toxins from the chemicals in the foam, the structure of the foam density doesn't breathe and the sleep experience can be hot. Other consumers said their beds turned to a mushy softness after about four years and on and on. She piqued my interest and I Googled 'Tempur-Pedic Complaints.' To my amazement were horrific, anecdotal statements from consumers who got rashes, hives, breathing problems, severe headaches and even some documented heart attacks from exposure to fumes! One woman was so ill after only a few days on her new bed that she moved it to the garage and wouldn't go near it. Our Nirvana sleep experience had suddenly turned into a nightmare. The more I researched, the more reports and articles I found. I felt panicked and heartsick at the same time. Was I overreacting? It was hard to say.

Never mind the fact that my very good friend has OCD..............

Obviously, I had to take this into consideration. I love her as much as it is possible to love another human but she has gotten freaked out at cemeteries, wondering if the diseases of the dead people could somehow work their way to the surface and infect us while we visit our deceased relatives. I calmly told her "No." I think she trusted me as we continued our walk through historic grave sites. Certain medications have also calmed her significantly over the years and she is considerably better. Trust me, OCD is no laughing matter. I mean her no disrespect. The poor woman has suffered and conquered many of her fears. I have learned to tolerate her anxieties about various phobias. However, this time she was making sense and had sufficient backup. Her alarmist bell was ringing true. It didn't seem like a paranoid reaction.

I canceled the Tempur-Pedic order the next day.

This has caused some tension between Raphael and me. I think he thinks I'm crazy although he assures me he does not. It's true, my behavior did shift 'a bit' in 48 hours. I went from Tempur-pedic friendly to a sort of delusional, fear mongering tea-baggeresque harbinger of foam death beds. He pats my head and tells me any decision I make will be just fine. In time he will come around when all of our Tempur-Pedic, sleeping friends are in comas, on disability or dead. I must show patience and believe that God has spoken to me (even though I don't really believe in him..unless he is the editor of Consumer Reports.)

We are now getting a Sleep Number bed. I feel much relief and Raphael is happy to see me pleased. Thank goodness the alternative was easily solved and it didn't take too much effort.
The only drawback is that we have to wait longer for its arrival. They are custom made and not readily available. The Time Life series plus my set of Collier's Encyclopedias will now have to be bungee strapped together for at least another week of futon base. We have made it this far so I guess another 10 days of somewhat lumpy sleep will have to be tolerated. The wait will be worth it. No long term toxicity and warm foam night sweats. It pays to have a friend with OCD once in a while.

I just got an email from her telling me Sleep Numbers have electro-magnetic fields. She wouldn't sleep on one but it is up to me.......